When it comes to analyzing toxic relationships in anime, one couple that consistently stands out
to me is Kotoko Aihara and Naoki Irie from Itazura na Kiss. Despite the seemingly sweet and romantic premise, their relationship is one of the most unhealthy and problematic pairings I’ve encountered in anime. From Naoki’s emotional neglect and frequent cruelty to Kotoko’s relentless obsession, their dynamic perpetuates harmful ideals about love, respect, and boundaries. Instead of portraying a healthy, balanced partnership, their relationship exemplifies power imbalances, manipulation, and the unrealistic expectation that love can fix deeply rooted personal issues. In this discussion, I’ll explore why Kotoko and Naoki’s relationship is not only toxic but also problematic in terms of emotional development and how it sets a concerning example for viewers. Lastly, I would like to mention that I will scale their relationship once at the end of part 3, so be in tune for that rating.
Episode 1: Fate’s Prank
We begin with Kotoko giving a love letter to confess her feelings to Irie, but Naoki quickly shoots her down without offering any explanation. If he wasn’t interested in her, that would be fine, but he should not have been rude by rejecting her letter without even reading it. If Irie wanted to reject Kotoko properly, he should have articulated his reasons, especially considering that Kotoko tends to be emotionally driven. What’s worse is that she was embarrassed in front of her schoolmates. I wish he had pulled her aside to spare her the humiliation, but Noaki often displays a harsh demeanor. (Noaki: DISRESPECT).
After school, Naoki notices Kotoko walking out of the school and ignores her. Normally, I
wouldn’t have paid much attention to this scene, but when Kinnosuke (the guy who has a crush on Kotoko) confronts Irie about rejecting her, he says he hates stupid girls (referring to Kotoko). That was disrespectful and uncalled for because, at this point, they don’t even know each other, and he shows no consideration for Kotoko’s feelings. If I were Kotoko, I would have let this man go, but knowing her, she is stubborn when it comes to her feelings for Naoki. (Noaki: DISRESPECT).
After Kotoko and her father, Shigeo, lost their house in an earthquake, Kinnosuke held a fundraiser to help with Kotoko’s troubles. During the event, Irie tries to pass by to get into the school, but Kin throws a tantrum for hurting Kotoko’s feelings. Although Kin was right to call out Irie for his rude behavior, this situation is ultimately between Kotoko and Irie. Irie gives Kinnosuke a donation so that Kinnosuke will leave him alone, but Kotoko is quick to be offended by this disingenuous gesture. She tries to shut Irie out by telling him that she doesn’t need his help, but Irie just turns away and laughs at her. I appreciated that Kotoko stood up for herself and made it clear to Naoki that she wouldn’t tolerate this behavior. After holding back in previous situations, she finally speaks up without Kinnosuke interfering. (CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: Kotoko. DISRESPECT: Naoki)
Shigeo takes Kotoko to live with his longtime friend, and when they arrive, we find out that Naoki and his family live in the same house. Naoki pretends to be polite, but he quickly becomes angry at Kotoko for living in his home. He complains about having to share a room with his brother, Yuuki, and blames Kotoko for it. To make matters worse, he refuses to help Kotoko with her belongings, despite her earlier request. While I might have agreed with Naoki in some cases, the real reason he’s refusing to help is because he dislikes living with her and wants to make sure she knows that. (Noaki: DISRESPECT).
Episode 2: Living Together is Dangerous
When Naoki and Kotoko walk together to the train station, Naoki demands that Kotoko not tell
anyone they are living together and forbids her from speaking to him at school. Then, he doesn’t even bother holding the door for her to get on the train, making her late for school. When Kotoko arrives at school, he tells her that he doesn’t help her because she’s ditzy and stupid. He has already made it clear that he doesn’t care and is being ruthless. I’d like to add that, whether you like or dislike someone you’re living with, it does tend to bring you closer together in the long run. (Naoki: DISRESPECT. Both: FAMILY PROGRESSION).
During break at school, as Kotoko is chatting with her friends, Naoki interrupts them by asking
Kotoko to meet with him, bringing her school bag. It turns out that their lunches were “accidentally” switched by Naoki’s mother. Kotoko then uses this opportunity to taunt Irie by showing him a girly baby picture of himself. Kotoko asks Naoki to help her study for the midterms so she can make it into the top 50 at their school, threatening to blackmail him by showing his baby pictures to the entire school if he refuses. Naoki reluctantly agrees to help her on the condition that Kotoko will give him the photo once she makes it into the top 50. I feel bad that the only way Naoki can be cordial with her is through blackmail, which shows he genuinely does not want to spend any time with her. That’s fine; he can choose his friends, but blackmail is not a healthy foundation for any relationship. (Kotoko:DISINGENUOUS ACTS OF SERVICE).
During their second study session, the lesson is focused on teaching Kotoko English. As usual,
Naoki is frustrated by Kotoko’s slow understanding. They end up falling asleep after a long night of studying. Normally, I would say that giving this lesson is a sign of Naoki being supportive of Kotoko’s commitment to succeed in her class, but we know that’s not true. His true intention is to prevent Kotoko from blackmailing him. (Kotoko: LACK OF GENUINE FRIENDSHIP).
On the day of their midterms, Kotoko and Naoki walk to the train station. Just as the train doors
are about to close, Naoki does the polite thing and holds the door open so Kotoko isn’t late for the exam. This shows some character development, as he attempts to make up for his previous wrongdoing. I wish he had apologized to her for not holding the door for her before, but this development shouldn’t go unnoticed. (Naoki: CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT).
At school, Kotoko contemplates thanking Naoki for holding the door for her at the train station,
but she realizes she needs to hurry to class to make it to her midterms. She quickly tells Irie “thank you” as she heads to class, and Irie responds with, “Good luck.” I find it sweet, but at the same time, Irie is giving Kotoko the bare minimum. He’s not being particularly kind; rather, he seems to be choosing to tolerate her. Still, this is character development in itself, as he is no longer indifferent to Kotoko. (Noaki: CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT).
When the school releases the results of the midterm, Kotoko checks to see if Naoki is number
one, and she is happy to see that Irie is still at the top of his class. Irie looks at the board to find Kotoko’s name. Kotoko and Naoki bump into each other, and Kotoko congratulates Irie on his results. Irie points out that Kotoko made it into the top 50. Naoki quickly demands the baby photo back, and Kotoko returns it to him, reminding her not to talk to him at school. Honestly, I see nothing wrong with this scene because if someone were blackmailing me to help them improve their grades, I would probably say the same thing. Naoki doesn’t open up easily, so I can understand how this incident might create a divide between them. (Kotoko: LACK OF TRUST).
Naoki angrily interrupts Kotoko’s lunch to take her to the board, where someone has spread
rumors about them sleeping next to each other. This is in no way Kotoko’s fault, as she was unaware of the photos in her school bag. Naoki takes his anger out on Kotoko, telling her that she should stay out of his life. I find that behavior cruel because he doesn’t listen to her side of the story, instead placing all the blame on Kotoko. After Irie walks away from Kotoko, she realizes that Naoki does bully her, but she convinces herself that she must be in love. If this doesn’t make her lose interest, I don’t know what will. I find this alarming because love should come from a place of mutual respect, and yet she chooses to endure his behavior. I can also understand Naoki’s perspective, as Kotoko had blackmailed him before, and he has no reason to trust her. However, even if he doesn’t trust her, he should at least seek an explanation from her. Kotoko tries, but he is unwilling to listen. Naoki: (LACK OF COMMUNICATION). Kotoko: (LACK OF SELF-RESPECT).
Episode 3: Baton Touch of Love
During Sports Day at school, Kotoko starts a conversation with Naoki by telling him that he will
be competing against Kinnosuke in the last race. She then notes that Naoki might lose the last race, especially after losing in a previous one, but Naoki quickly responds that he will not lose the race. Naoki believes that Class F doesn’t stand a chance against him. Kotoko pushes back by telling him that she is tired of his egotistical attitude toward success. I understand that Irie’s overconfidence can be annoying, but this is a race, so competition is inevitable. I don’t see anything inherently toxic about this because competition can get hostile, as one team wants to win over the other. However, there is a lack of healthy dynamics here because, in a supportive friendship, they would encourage each other instead of focusing on themselves. I think this scene could have been much better if they were both playfully teasing each other, showing they have better chemistry. (Both: LACK OF SUPPORT).
In the last race, Naoki wins, but he trips over Kotoko, who falls to the ground after being pushed.
Kotoko is unable to walk, so Naoki takes it upon himself to carry her to the nurse’s office. This is a nice gesture because he didn’t have to help her, yet he did so without any ulterior motive. It’s refreshing to see such a selfless act coming from Naoki. (Naoki: MAKES SACRIFICES.)
When the whole family gets home, they end up watching the race. Noaki’s mother asks her son if
Kotoko is his type, and he expresses that he is not interested in her. This comment hurts Kotoko, so she snaps at Naoki, saying that he is not her type. Then, Naoki humiliates her by reading Kotoko’s love letter in front of the entire family. First, I completely understand that hearing your crush does not feel the same way is painful, but Naoki has made it clear that he is not interested in Kotoko. She is the one who cannot let go of him, so she becomes childish and tells him that he is not her type. The best thing she could have done is respect his feelings and not take his disinterest personally. Secondly, this is a new low for Naoki, as he reads the letter without her knowing and forces her to endure this embarrassment in front of the family. Before he finishes reading, she slaps him in the face while in tears, which is also not the right approach. However, I’m glad that she is showing that she will not tolerate this disrespect any further. (Kotoko: DISRESPECT & PHYSICAL ABUSE. Naoki: DISRESPECT).
Kinnosuke barges into Irie’s house to explain to the family that Irie is not interested in Kotoko
because he hates her as a person. Then, Irie does something odd. After this explanation, he slyly says that someone can hate someone and eventually fall in love with them. Irie says this to Kinnosuke just to get under his skin, but I feel like this scene is meant to give the audience hope that Irie might be starting to consider having feelings for Kotoko, in his own twisted way. Now it feels like he is purposely stringing her along, making Kotoko believe she still has a chance. (Naoki: DISRESPECTFUL).
The next day at school, Naoki calls Kotoko over to show her the bulletin board, which claims that they will marry each other someday. The bulletin is a lie, completely distorting what actually happened the day before. Naoki wants to know who is writing this nonsense, but Kotoko responds by reminding him that he did say his hate might turn into love. Although he insists that she is taking it out of context, that is exactly what he said yesterday. Kotoko starts to ignore him because she knows he cannot outsmart her. Naoki is clearly gaslighting her, as that is exactly what he said, and everyone else interpreted it the same way she did. (Kotoko: EMOTIONAL ABUSE).
Episode 4: Throbbing Summer Vacation
Kotoko arrives home from school and overhears a conversation in which Naoki tells their parents
that he would not marry Kotoko because he cannot deal with her long term. Kotoko reveals herself and questions what they are talking about. Naoki tells Kotoko that he does have a choice in whom he wants to marry, and I completely agree with him. Kotoko gets offended by his statement and tells him she would never marry him. Then, Naoki gives Kotoko a glimmer of hope by telling her that if he does fall in love with her, he knows it would be a mistake. I don’t like the parents getting involved, making Naoki feel like his choice doesn’t matter, and Kotoko getting upset with him for having a choice. I wish the parents would stay out of Kotoko and Naoki’s potential romance, so Naoki doesn’t feel pressured to choose Kotoko. That conversation was meant for his parents to hear, so Kotoko shouldn’t be nosy, especially if it’s something she doesn’t want to hear. I’m not sure why she’s offended by his statement, especially if this is how he truly feels and has the right to choose whom he marries. Honestly, based on Naoki’s actions toward Kotoko, he’s right—it would be a mistake if he fell in love with her. (Kotoko: DISRESPECT).
Kotoko has plans to hang out with her friends at Waterland after school, but Naoki’s mom tricks
her two sons went to the waterpark by pushing Yukki to ask Irie to go with him. As much as I don’t like Irie’s mom pushing him to spend time with Kotoko, it’s funny how the show seems to imagine what the fandom would do if they had control over the love story (ᗒᗜᗕ)՛ ̵̖.. When Yukki tries to observe Kotoko, he ends up drowning in the deep end of the pool. Kotoko saves his life, and he runs away from her and his friends. Kotoko catches up to Yukki and takes him to a big slide to cheer him up. However, when Kotoko goes on the big slide, she gets a leg cramp midway, which causes her to start drowning. Naoki saves her life and nurses her back to health. I like this progression in their relationship, where he becomes more tender toward Kotoko out of kindness. (Naoki: MAKES SACRIFICES).
After Kotoko messes up making dinner, Naoki ends up helping her. They have dinner alone, and she asks him to help her with her homework, but Naoki quickly rejects her request without explaining why. I wonder what makes Naoki decide when to help. I’m assuming that teaching her how to study is where Naoki draws the line, which is fine—he’s allowed to have boundaries. I understand that teaching someone can test his patience. I liked that he helped her make dinner, and I wanted to point that out because it felt like it was quickly acknowledged and then moved on from. (Naoki: FRIENDSHIP FOUNDATION).
Kotoko is in her room struggling to do her homework, so she sneaks into Naoki’s room to get his
notes. Once she finds his workbook, Naoki catches her trying to leave his room. He uses this opportunity to pull her into his bed and pretends that he is going to sleep with her. I may have misunderstood the translation, but Irie gave me the creeps when he said, “You never know when a genius will become a monster.” Kotoko freaks out and tells him that she likes him, but this is happening too fast for her. She proposes that they should start slowly by dating first. Irie moves away from her and then starts laughing at the idea of dating or doing anything intimate with her. I felt uncomfortable in this scene because Irie knows she likes him, yet he once again puts her in a situation where he gives her false hope. Thinking that Kotoko has left, she returns after hearing him say he’ll lend her his notes, and then she tells him that she needs his help. I liked how she accidentally got back at him—her comeback was satisfying. (Naoki: DISRESPECTFUL & LACK OF HONESTY).
Episode 5: The Crucial Moment! Class F Winter Battle
Naoki’s mom notices that Kotoko is stressing out over the finals, and she suggests to her son that
he helped Kotoko. However, Naoki rejects his mother’s suggestion. I can understand both sides—Naoki is not a teacher, so he shouldn’t feel obligated to help someone who struggles academically. He knows he will be impatient with Kotoko’s slow learning, and he’d rather not get frustrated every time he teaches her. However, Kotoko needs help to get into a good college, and if Naoki helps her, she might have a chance of succeeding. Additionally, Naoki discourages her from quitting, claiming that she will fail on her own. This shows his lack of faith in her, even though he knows his studying methods have helped her before. (Naoki: LACK OF ENCOURAGEMENT).
Kotoko’s entire class asks Naoki to help them prepare for the finals, and he agrees. After the study session ends and the class leaves, Kotoko thanks Naoki for his help. Before Kotoko goes inside, Naoki asks her what she would like to do in college. Kotoko says she wants to study and make friends, but Naoki chimes in, asking if she wants to go to college to study something she may not understand. She agrees with his statement, though she doesn’t understand why students feel the need to go to college at all. Naoki then asks what she would like to study, but Kotoko admits that she doesn’t know yet. After some back and forth, Naoki admits he is envious of how little Kotoko gets out of all her efforts. I liked this exchange because Naoki wasn’t being overly critical of her life choices; instead, he was asking questions to understand the root of her decision. (Naoki and Kotoko: FRIENDSHIP FOUNDATION. Naoki:TRANSPARENCY).
At the end of the episode, Naoki’s mother asks if he got a present for Kotoko, and he admits that
he doesn’t have one. Naoki’s mother suggests posing for a picture with Kotoko as a gift, and Naoki reluctantly agrees to take one photo. While posing for the picture, Naoki implies that he knows where Kotoko works, which causes her to ruin the shot. I don’t think Naoki was being mean, as Kotoko suggests; rather, he was playfully teasing her, knowing the kind of reaction he would get. (Naoki: PLAYFULLY TEASING).
Episode 6: Chocolates,Exams, and the Jinx
Before Naoki leaves to take his entrance exam, he comes down with a fever. Kotoko steps in and
gives him medicine, only to find out that it will make him feel drowsy. After the exam, he gets home and assumes that he won’t pass because the medicine caused him to lose focus. Kotoko did something out of the goodness of her heart, but she tends to be reckless when trying to help Naoki. I don’t believe there is anything toxic about this moment; it was an honest mistake, and she was upfront about it. (Kotoko: HELPFUL AND TAKES ACCOUNTABILITY).
On the day Naoki leaves to take the Tokyo University exam, Kotoko quickly gives him a good luck charm. She places the charm on his suitcase before he leaves for the exam. Kotoko then decides to see him off at the test site, but while on the train, she suddenly develops stomach issues. There is a small problem when the good luck charm gets stuck on the train, but they manage to retrieve it just before the train departs. Kotoko sees Naoki off, but then Naoki overhears something unusual and spots Kotoko crouching on the ground in pain. Kotoko ends up fainting, and Naoki carries her to the nearest hospital. It is revealed that Kotoko has appendicitis. Later, Kotoko wakes up in the hospital and finds Naoki there, saying he stayed to eat and didn’t take the test at all. Kotoko is quickly overtaken by guilt. First, the good luck charm is a thoughtful gift compared to her previous ones, and seeing him off at the test site was a kind gesture. It may not be the gift he wanted, but Kotoko shows how supportive she is of his test. Second, Naoki not taking the test is nobody’s fault, as Kotoko’s life was at risk, and Naoki did the right thing by making sure she was safe. (Kotoko: SUPPORTIVE. Naoki: MADE SACRIFICES).
Kotoko ends up running away because she thinks she is a jinx to Naoki and doesn’t want to cause further problems. Naoki reassures her that it wasn’t her fault and that he did make it to the test on time. However, he reflects on what he wants for his future. He tells her that having Kotoko in his life is interesting, which led him to decide on a different college to attend. Kotoko is unable to promise that she won’t cause trouble, so she promises that Naoki’s life will be filled with excitement. I wish Kotoko’s declaration of love wasn’t included in this scene, as it doesn’t change how he feels after having this moment with her. I do like that Naoki has become more vulnerable with Kotoko, which shows that he feels comfortable communicating his true feelings about his future. (Naoki: COMMUNICATED AND IS TRANSPARENT).
The next morning, Kotoko makes chocolate for Naoki as a token of her feelings. However, Naoki ends up rejecting her gift because he doesn’t eat sweets. I theorize that he only said no because Kotoko’s cooking isn’t the best, and he doesn’t want to risk getting sick. If that’s the case, he should have told her the whole truth instead of leaving her confused about why he’s not accepting her gift. (Naoki: LACK OF HONESTY)
STAY TUNE FOR PART 2 THE HEALTHY OF TOXIC RELATIONSHIP SCALE: KOTOKO AND NOAKI